it's been a while

Well I feel slightly guilty for my lack of blogging but I'll use my slight mental breakdown as the excuse.
Just an glimpse into the madness:
Saturday night: after closing, panic attack #1 hits, Nick tells me we can't live like this - never seeing each other. I put my profile on enannysource.com
Sunday afternoon: I get my first job offer on my break at Anthropologie. On the way home my car runs out of gas and panic attack #2 hits.
Monday morning: I make about 3 appointments for job interviews & feel guilty about being at work and pretending like my job is the #1 best.
Tuesday morning: I'm scheduled to sit through a manager's meeting where the topic of discussion is where we each personally want to go with the company and then through my own personal yearly review where I know I'll get asked in depth questions about my future with the company. During manager's meeting, I fake a stomach ache - though I was about to throw up - & try to call nick to find out what I should say. Can't get in touch with him so I have panic attack #3 in front of my bosses - tell them everything.
Wednesday: after coffee with Iris (truly delightful) I go to the job interview of my dreams and meet the first mom who doesn't offer me the job on the spot.
Thursday: I wake up nervous & stay nervous all day. Work kind of stinks - while they were supportive on Tuesday, today they're annoyed and definitely told me "they took a risk with someone so young who could bail on them". It just makes me sad because I so love my job - I just know it's not what God is calling me to.

So - what can you do? Last Saturday, before all this began, we were talking at Mosaic prayer about God refining & growing us. Joel said something really profound about what were we expecting when we asked God to grow us - that it would be easy? Tonight I was talking to Steph (from Columbia, living in Florida) and I told her I just realized that I've never really had to make a hard decision. I've never felt so in limbo (i.e. having my bosses replace me before i found another job) ... and so I guess I've really never had to truly test my faith with my life decisions.

Moving to Charlotte was a hard decision - I felt like I was giving up a lot: being close to friends & family, feeling comfortable - but I never really questioned it. Now, every other second my mind is like a pendulum swinging from one life to the other: fun times in fashion (at the sacrifice of others) or the unglorious life of a nanny (that will bring a lot of relational goodness). Thankfully my decision sort of fell out of my mouth - but I'd appreciate your prayers either way. There's also the monetary factor & loss of benefits to start thinking about. But I'm gonna put that off till tomorrow.

In the grip of grace - J