So it was a sad day and I definitely was longing to be with some of my loves. After an eerie phone call from a friend that sort of foreshadowed the day, we got some bad news that a friend of ours from Columbia was in a carwreck last night with a tractor trailor truck and was found braindead on the scene. Today, after a lot of prayer and basically a midnight vigil in her hospital room, her parents decided to pull her life support.
While stuff like this is always hard, I just ache for Meredith & my sister and the people I love who loved Lauren so much and who still love her so much. I was aching for her family, her roomate, and just in general for the loss of loved ones everywhere.
I've just started letting my friends in on this game I play with myself where I think about situations that could happen and then I imagine how I would deal with them and I pretend that I'd be really resilient. Sometimes I take situations that my friends have to deal with and I kind of say to myself, "Lord, let me deal with that so they don't have to" and then I pretend I'd be joyful during it... or maybe I just think of ways to shut myself down so I could deal.
But today, I just spent all day making my list that God can't have. Sorry Lord, you cannot take these 3 friends, you cannot take Nick, don't even think about anything happening to my sister until I'm with You, and if my neices or unborn children so much as get a bad cough - You're in trouble. I just spent all day telling Him what He could and could not do with my life. And even now, I'm writing this and konwing it sounds crazy and it is... but I mean it in a real fleshlike way.
However, my sister just told me something that really changed my perspective. She got the oppurtunity to be in Lauren's room with her sister after they had already pronounced her and she said it was the most eye opening experience of her life. It was especially hard because though they knew she was gone, her body was being preserved for organ donation so her heart was being made to beat and her lungs were rising inside her chest. Katie and Jennifer just started praying and singing over her and my sister said she just felt something move from her head to heart and she felt it happen in everyone at the hospital. She described a corporate realization that these things we hope for, the promises we proclaim about God are just truth. We talk about them, and long for them, but now - right now, Lauren is in some version of the throne room - in Paradise, doing what she was created to do.
So Lord, you know what I'd prefer and what would utterly collapse me - what would break me past the point of utter human understanding. But in truth - all I want for my sister, Nick, my Mom, my family, Merry, Kal, Laura, Steph, my unreplaceable neices, my babies yet to be born, my entire church, and every darling person I've ever loved or will love - all I want for them, is to not only move the realization of Your Sovereignty from their head to heart but to move the promise of seeing You from a hope to a reality.
I love you friends - I want to love you all enough I could give you up, but until then I'll just pray that you'll all be safe and thankful for the ones you love today.
Pray for Lauren's family & friends if you will - and thank God for her life that honored Him, and that her death truly was more of a glorification than 100 years on earth.
Jac
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3 comments:
Oh baby, you and Katie said it all. That 18 inches can be such a long trip sometimes, I praise Him that she received it there where she could be of comfort to others. I wanted so much to say some of those things to you today...but you always hate to hear how much I want to go be with Jesus. Just this morning I was studying in Revelations (thanks to AG-Lotz again) and saw so clearly where John's vision of heaven and the Lord's mandate for John to "write it down so that all would know" was to remind us - convince us - that heaven is the prize, the goal. THIS, this part, as glorious as it is...is like an infant being in the womb and thinking life doesn't get any better.
He IS Sovereign, and that means He holds our hopes, our dreams, our past and our future.
I am interceding tonight - for those who are grieving and missing Lauren - and for all the others I mentioned to you earlier. He is on the throne, and the elders beside Him are holding the bowls of incense...our prayers rising up to heaven. love, momma
i heart jessi
To live is Christ, to die is gain. He is ours, his truths are real. Glory to him and yes Lord my sister is my heart walking, Father I pray for those who have lost pieces of their heart in loved ones taken from them so that they could truly live and gain eternity with you. Lord thank you for the heart ache and since of being fully alive that comes with loving.
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