Journal Entry - readers beware

So I've been doing a lot of writing in this crazy pregnancy and a lot of it has been to the babe. Sorry if this is too raw, but hopefully it will be good accountability for me and if it encourages any of you - praise God.

8.22.06
I'm sorry I'm a bad mommy already. I just have some issues. Maybe when you're a Christ follower you'll read this and be mad at me because I didn't just choose faith BUT - I hope you learn from me. I hope you aren't indignant with your brothers and sisters and say things like 'choose faith' or 'choose joy' or 'wait on Him'. Don't get me wrong, there is truth in those ideas... it's just that if someone told me one of those phrases right now I'd knock their front two teeth out. Now I know how it felt to everyone I counseled or forced advice on when I lived in Columbia.

But dear one, SOMETIMES - our sweet Abba likes us to squirm (in a Godly way). I'm holding firm to believing with every shred of faith in me that its for our own good that He does this. God created snakes that bite and nausea and spiders and too hot summers and thorns for our side. But - He is not evil. He doesn't create evil to torment us. So if you get to a place where you feel stuck, lost, hurt, confused, doubtful, screwed up, or inconsequential - hold on. Just latch on by the skin of your teeth. Remember when He pulled you through or when He pulled Jesus through or when He rescued Jonah from the whale or how He stuck by Hosea. Think about how He promises He'll save the day in revelation (and in our hearts) or when He pulled a sneak attack and redeemed Rahab's life. Or baby love, just ask me how soon after I wrote this very letter, He showed up and made it all better with His gentle whisper.

And thank you babe - you're already the best accountability partner ever. I can believe in Him more and more each day - merely because I want you to. I can't expect you to believe He'll show up when you need Him to if I don't exercise a little faith and trust Him. I love you more and more each day and I can't wait to see you in approximately 165 days.